Drug Addiction is not Predictable - No one starts using drugs thinking that they will become addicted.
Parents are the most important influence in their kid's lives - AT ALL AGES! When there are clear rules at home about not using drugs the results are much better (drug use is significantly reduced) than when the rules are not defined or communicated.
Drug use and addiction is like going to Alaska in the coldest time of the year. When you get there you put on a very warm coat and zip it up - all the way to your neck to stay warm. When you zip up the coat you can not unzip the coat. In a few months you travel to Miami, Florida in the middle of August. When you get to Miami you find it extremely hot and want to remove the warm coat, but you can't get out of the coat. You are stuck in the coat - even though you want out. Addiction - hard to get away.
Screening is important. For students involved in extracurricular school activities drug testing has been upheld by the Supreme Court. The military has found a significant decrease in drug use since they began testing. Schools that screen students involved in extracurricular school activities found a decrease of drug use of more than 50%. They also found that students supported the screening because it gave them a legitimate excuse not to use drugs. When they were at social gatherings with their peers they can refuse by saying that they want to play sports or cheer and if they are tested positive they will be kicked off the team.
Parents often wonder what in the world will my son/daughter be like when they grow up? Judy and I were in Hawaii in 2005 and found the "Teenagers Prayer." We thought it addressed the question perfectly. If only our kids realized the forces out there trying to pull them in the wrong direction they could pray for help.]]>
The following is a question that a mother has and Hal answers her question:
My 14 year old daughter has TOLD me that she tried pot and likes it. She has been told under no circumstance is she allowed to use drugs OR alcohol. #1, it's against the law and she can be arrested for even being in the same place with someone who is using, and #2 it makes you "stupid" and lazy and #3 You never know if it's been treated with other more dangerous elements and could be lethal. She [now] says she is not smoking OR drinking, but I'm having a real hard time with trust. She's not associating with the person/persons that I think were the initial bad influence, but I know more and more kids are trying it and it's very hard to condemn it when on tv it seems that many programs just make fun of someone who smokes....it's a joke, not a problem on TV. I know I'm not the only parent who's having this problem....am I overreacting or what?
Nancy
My 14 year old daughter has TOLD me that she tried pot and likes it. She has been told under no circumstance is she allowed to use drugs OR alcohol. #1, it's against the law and she can be arrested for even being in the same place with someone who is using, and #2 it makes you "stupid" and lazy and #3 You never know if it's been treated with other more dangerous elements and could be lethal. She [now] says she is not smoking OR drinking, but I'm having a real hard time with trust. She's not associating with the person/persons that I think were the initial bad influence, but I know more and more kids are trying it and it's very hard to condemn it when on tv it seems that many programs just make fun of someone who smokes....it's a joke, not a problem on TV. I know I'm not the only parent who's having this problem....am I overreacting or what?
Nancy
Great question, Nancy. Are you overreacting? Yes. But you may be underresponding.
ScreamFree parenting is not ever about letting things slide, or becoming aloof to our kids' dangerous decisions. Far from it. Becoming a ScreamFree Parent is about defintely addressing our responsbilities to our kids, and doing it in a definitely calm way.
The fact is that as our children age they will become exposed to more and more of life's decisions (which is what we all want). But that means they will become more and more exposed to life's dangers (which is what we all don't want, but have to accept). Our responsibility to our kids during this process is to continually ask ourselves one question:
How do I balance protecting my kid from life's dangers and yet exposing my kid to life's lessons?
How we answer this question is going to differ depending on that kid's age, maturity, the context of the situation, and the nature of our relationship. Some situations are easy to answer. I'm not going to let a 2-year-old learn the lesson of not playing in traffic by letting him get hit by a car. But what about when he's seventeen? I certainly cannot be with him in every street, protecting him at all costs. Some lessons he will have to learn on his own. I just hope it won't cost him life or limb. But I have to live with that anxiety.
You, Nancy, seem to be facing a no-brainer as well. Your daughter is experimenting with drugs, hanging out with other drug-users, and drifting over to the dark side. So many parents in your situation believe that facing that situation, there is no way you could possibly "overreact." Do anything, absolutely anything, to make sure your daughter severs those dangerous relationships and never touches drugs again. These parents would say that by even questioning your reactions you are letting the drugs win over your daughter. So watch her like a hawk. Give her a drug test every week. Take away any privacy at all until you can be assured she'll never experiment again.
And you know, in some circumstances, these actions may be appropriate to save a life. I remember one occasion in my therapy practice where I had to violate all my confidentiality ethics in order to stop a client from killing himself. I had to call the cops, my client's girlfriend, his family, all his drug buddies, everyone I could think of, telling them all about his plans and his state of mind. And they all helped stop him. And he survived the night.
But I never saw him again. As is often the case in those circumstances, the breach of confidentiality was more than the relationship could handle.
And that's the danger of overreacting to danger. In an effort to protect our children from themselves, we risk losing
any future influence, or any relationship at all.
And sometimes things get so bad that we have to make that choice. One thing in your question tells me that you are NOT at that place, however. Nancy, you reported that your daughter came to you and told you she smoked pot and enjoyed it. She came to you and told you that. Let's think about that for a moment. How many teenagers are doing everything they can to HIDE their drug use from their parents? The vast majority. Your daughter came right out and said it, probably knowing you would freak out about it. She even added that she LIKED it!
I'm guessing this was indicative of the relationship dynamics already going on between you. It sounds like she is desperately trying to test you. She is asking two things from you at the same time--she wants you to get reactive so she can feel justified in resenting you, and yet a part of her wants you to calmly respond in strong love so she
can feel safe in your care.
And unless you believe it's worth risking the entire relationship, that calm response is always the course to choose. Your daughter comes to you and says she's experimenting--find a way to calm all of your anxiety demons inside and request: "Tell me more."
What she needs (and truly wants) from you is your calm, adult leadership. Leadership that listens without arrogance has the best chance of actually uncovering just what's going on. This the type of leadership that cares enough to pause before immediately going into action (or more accurately, reaction). She wants leadership that can guide without condemning, so speak seriously about next steps without lecturing on the rules.
How you respond from here on out is up to you, Nancy. If you believe your daughter's life is literally hanging on the moment, then risk everything, even your future relationship with her, to intervene and take over her life for a while. Use whatever means necessary. If you believe as I do, on the other hand, that you and your daughter are caught up in a relationship test, then take a pause and begin your response this way:
"Honey, I know you know all about the dangers of drugs, and about the expectations I have of you in this area. And I apologize for how I've reacted thus far, with lectures and freakin' out and what not. You have a life outside of mine, and that's the way it's supposed to be, and it seems your life is leading you to some potentially dangerous decisions (at least in my eyes). I care so much about you I can barely stand it, but what I care most about is our relationship, and right now I simply want to keep the conversation going. You told me about smoking pot and that you enjoyed it...can you tell me more about that?"
And then hold on...
So remember to take care,
Hal
Our kids are drinking more alcohol at younger ages. They are using more drugs more frequently. And, they don't seem to understand the negative consequences associated with their behavior.
What about mass marketing? Alcohol images permeate our culture. Television programming, teen magazines, sports events, the local gas stations, toys and clothes contain many messages that promote alcohol and drugs.
Why do we have these concerns? Why not let our kids have a good time and feel the buzz associated with illegal substances? Why have we made these things illegal? Why do we get all embroiled in these topics and quarrel with our children? On and on and on!
What can we do about it? Or, is this just the way it is and there is nothing we can do?
We will see change when the community adopts the idea that we can make a difference and the community shares in the responsibility for enforcing underage drinking laws.
Community includes - parents, merchants, law enforcement, government, and the media.
EVERYONE: Report illegal alcohol sales - Call 1-877-243-2543
ADULTS: Refuse to supply alcohol to underage youth
PARENTS: Store personal alcohol in locked cabinet - out of reach of youth
PARENTS – Talk with other parents to make sure that alcohol is not available at parties and events their youth will attend.
MERCHANTS – Develop comprehensive alcohol compliance programs with written policies, effective staff training, and staff supervision or monitoring.
Underage drinking is not a rite of passage. It’s illegal and it’s hurting our youth. Everyone can play a part in helping reduce youth access to alcohol. Underage drinking is an adult problem with youth consequences. What are you doing to help?
]]>Friends,
For those of you who missed Monday night with Rebecca Hagelin at Brookwood High School I wanted to share a few of the points she presented.
Are you aware of the worldly influences your child is bombarded with daily? I thought I was until I heard a few things from Rebecca Monday night. For example, I've always noticed the magazines at the checkout in Publix and other stores and usually just ignore them (unless a recipe catches my eye) but last night while checking out from ordering my child's birthday cake with her and one of her friends, turned to find the two 13-14 year old girls deeply engrossed in the "garbage" news in several of the magazines. Yes, I know I've been somewhat aware of this for years but it is truly making an impression on me now as well as other media substances we are constantly viewing that we must now teach our children are wrong and inform them that the majority of these sources are preying on their innocence and ultimately endangering a healthy future for them.
One of the most important items Rebecca mentioned was websites such as MySpace, Xanga and Facebook. She recently met with the producers of America's Most Wanted and informed the crowd at BHS that they are doing a special only for MySpace due to the fact that so many young people's deaths have been connected to this website! The top story on the 11 pm news last night (on 11 Alive) was about MySpace.com and how predators (doesn't just that name scare us) are using these sites to lure young girls into meeting them. There was a week long special recently on Good Morning America as well addressing these same concerns.
I could go on with what I learned that night, and I thought I was a very informed parent. I urge you to sit with your children and on a routine basis and point out to them what untruths they are being fed from these corporations and hold their hands in a world totally confusing....remember, they are children and will make mistakes so offer a loving and guiding hand....our future depends on it.
You can email Rebecca directly at HomeInvasion.org or at HomeInvasion@ThomasNelson.com. Thanks for listening, I hope you only have happy memories with your children.
Best regards,
Gayla
Rebecca discussed the invasion into our homes by the mass marketers, television, video games, bill boards along the interstate, magazines in the grocery store, and public televisions in fast food stores.
These elements have crept into our lives so slowly that we are impervious to them. However, our children are being indoctrinated with these messages hundreds of times each day - unknowingly!
Small steps and personal involvement are what is required. To eat the elephant we must take one bite at a time.
Click here to go to the Brookwood High School Web Pagehttp://www.brookwoodhighschool.net
]]>Click here to read more about Rebecca Hagelin http://www.heritage.org/About/Staff/RebeccaHagelin.cfm
